you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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