how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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