Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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