he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
