I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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