Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And my parents said I crawled through the house
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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