I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I know her cup size but not her name....
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