Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
