Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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