Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize