I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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