Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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