I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
