margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We left the knife in your bed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
