i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize