If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i came on her dog
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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