i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
