Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
