Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
