drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
