We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
