Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
