the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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