oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
