I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
