Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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