So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
