i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
