Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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