she woke up with a sticky ear
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
