I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
