my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize