Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I want a musical about memes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize