i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
