so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
