You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
