So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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