If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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