He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize