sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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