Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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