I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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