yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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