I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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