I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
