dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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