New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
