you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
