Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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