I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize