Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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