Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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