your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
