my mouth tastes like poor choices
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
