3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
