Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
