I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
